


Sickness of the Body, Sickness of the Mind

by Umidunnostuff



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Inej and Nina are back for a while, Jesper and Wylan are domestic and cute, Kaz gets sick, M/M, also Kaz and Jesper are very good friends ok, and they're all together for a bit, there'll probably be mild Kaz-centric angst, this is important
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-15 22:54:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9261734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umidunnostuff/pseuds/Umidunnostuff
Summary: When Inej returns to Ketterdam, very little has changed, but when she and Nina arrive at the Van Eck house, they find out something odd has happened. Kaz is sick, and his behavior is leading to some weird realizations and revelations for everyone.





	1. Chapter 1

Inej docked the Wraith in the early evening, taking the empty berth left for her in the fifth harbor. She fought the urge to seem impatient as she and Specht issued their last orders before dismissing the crew for shore leave. Nina, picked up fresh from a stay in Ravka, made no such efforts. The two women stepped onto the docks, and Inej looked at Ketterdam before her. The city that once knew her as 'Wraith' felt almost foreign to her. The tightness of the alleys and streets was so different from the open sea, and she paced hurriedly through the streets, unchanged in her time away. She would visit Jesper and Wylan first, she thought. They'd promised her and Nina that they would always have a place to sleep, and she had no doubt Kaz had sold off her berth in the Slat. 

"Ugh we're back in this hellhole. At least I can finally eat something that wasn't salted and dry," said Nina, breaking the tension in her usual way. Inej could tell she still wasn't completely recovered since the Ice Castle and then Matthias's death, but she was improved since she'd spent time again in her home country. Inej had been surprised when she'd asked to return with Inej, but has acquiesced to the request nonetheless.

"Not to insult your boat, of course!" Continued Nina, "there was just a sore lack of cake. Or waffles. Or anything that really, you know. Tasted good."

Inej smiled wryly, "I don't think much of the food you prefer would last long on a sea journey. You only had to spend two weeks with it, you get used to it."

"I don't know how you do it, Inej! I think I'd wither away and die if I spent as long on that boat as you do. I for one, am looking forward to eating all of Wylan and Jesper's food."

Nina skipped as she walked, and looped her arm through Inej's but the two of them kept a wary eye out. Ketterdam was never a safe place to walk, and Inej had more enemies now than when she had left. She hoped perhaps in her time here, Kaz might help her to eliminate some. Many were his market competitors anyways.

They knocked on the door to the Van Eck house, a foreign feeling for Inej, who had broken into most of the wealthy houses in this area, including this one. Wylan opened the door, and Inej glimpsed Jesper behind him before Nina threw herself into greeting Wylan gleefully.

"Wylan!! I missed you!" She chirped, muffled through the tight hug. She pulled back a little to press a kiss to his cheek. "How's domestic bliss treating you?"

Jesper had slunk up to them, and swung his arms around Wylan after Nina released him, tugging him close, and Wylan turned pink. "Well, thanks for asking," he said, grinning in a lazy satisfied way. 

"You guys are in earlier than expected," said Wylan, red cheeked and eager to change the subject. 

"We had unexpectedly good weather," responded Inej. Her seafaring skills were not yet perfect, but under Specht and other members of the crew, she improved every day. As she spoke, Jesper seemed to focus on her for the first time, and sobered a little.

"You haven't been to the Slat or the Crow Club yet have you? Haven't looked for Kaz?" He asked, and Wylan glanced back at him, before focusing on Inej as well.

"Why would we? That sourpuss kills any and all fun, and I know for a fact that I'm going to have at least one good meal in me before he's there to gloom it up," said Nina indignantly, though none of her comments really held any real venom.

"We haven't, we came straight here. why?" Inej asked, more seriously. Jesper was acting off. 

"We'll tell you at dinner. C'mon you've gotta be hungry," beckoned Jesper, grin returning, but the odd look in his eyes still remained.

"The chef will be thrilled to have Inej back, she loves you for some reason," added Wylan.

"I expect excellent food and a full explanation for what all this cryptic nonsense is," said Nina in a tone that brooked no argument, flouncing after them with Inej in tow. 

They all sat down and were served food, but Inej was curious and worried all at once, and too tense to think about touching the rich food at the moment. Nina had no such hangups, digging in and speaking around a mouthful of food.

"Well, here we are. You might as well tell us what mess Brekker got himself into this time."

"Well... none of you guys were in the city for the plague, years back were you?" Asked Wylan, to a chorus of shaken heads. 

"Some sicknesses don't... completely leave the body, even when symptoms are gone. I remember studying it a little, but a couple years back, people who had the plague before started getting sortof... relapses, I guess?" He continued, garnering blank stares from Nina and Inej. Inej, of course, had known about these. She and Kaz had taken advantage of some of the panic that the little isolated cases has caused to rob or swindle the victims or those close to them.

"We don't need lessons on the plague Wylan, get to the point," said Nina. 

"Well... Kaz must have had the plague at some point," said Wylan, said, pausing as the reality sunk in and he was met by two shocked stares.

"He turned up here a couple days ago and scared the shit out of us. He'd let it get way worse than it had too, and we had to drug him up for him to sleep properly." Jesper added. 

"Kaz is sick?" Inej asked, not entirely believing her ears.

"I didn't think he even got sick," said Nina. 

"I'll be honest, neither did I. I don't think I've ever seen him even cough."

Nina glanced at her and then back at Jesper, "will he be okay?" She asked?

Everyone there knew about how deadly the plague had been when it struck Ketterdam, and the thought of Kaz dying of a sickness he'd beaten once before didn't sit well with anyone. 

"The medik said he should be fine. He's just gonna be miserable for a while, especially since he overexerted himself for the entire first stage of it," responded Jesper. 

Inej nodded. Only one of the cases she'd heard about had ended in death, and that had been an old man who was already sick. Still, the affirmation set her breathing at ease. The atmosphere in the room lightened some with the assertion that he would almost certainly be fine. 

"The visit with the medik was fun. Kaz almost punched her and she looked scared out of her wits," said Jesper, smiling now. Inej could only imagine what it must have been like for some random hospital medik, even one not aware of who Kaz was, to have to deal with him in a bad mood. Her thoughts were interrupted by the telltale rhythm of Kaz's walking stick as he entered the room.

"I'm glad to hear you're finding this entertaining, Jesper," he grumbled, the rasp in his voice more pronounced than usual. He muffled a cough in a handkerchief and sank into a chair at the table, but made no move to take any food. Though his mannerisms were the same, Inej could easily pick out the signs of illness in his unusually rumpled hair and clothes, and the darker than usual rings under his eyes. He glared at Jesper, but it was clear that the sickness made his gaze far hazier than usual. After a moment, he turned away.

"Inej, Nina. Welcome back," he said, voice softening imperceptibly.

"You always did have a flair for dramatic entrances, didn't you Brekker," said Nina coyly.

"Kaz, that medic gave you a double dose of sleeping tonic why in hell are you awake?" Said Wylan incredulously.

"I actually have a seventh sense for knowing when people are talking about me."

"... seventh?" That was Jesper, a half smile on his lips, while Kaz remained deadpan.

"Yes." 

"Who's running the Dregs at the moment? It's not like you to give up control," asked Inej. She could admit to herself that she had wanted to see Kaz. Real Kaz, not Dirtyhands the barrel lord. This Kaz was closer, in a way, but not quite right. He still had his gloves on, even in an uncharacteristically rumpled shirt, collar undone, and he'd deliberately sat a space away from anyone else. Even not quite in his right mind, his soft greeting had shot warmth through her. 

"Roetter. I can't very well run the Dregs or be seen around the Barrel looking ready to keel over from sickness," he said, making it clear his confession was reluctant. 

"So instead he came over here, climbed in a window and asked for help before passing out in our living room," finished Jesper. Kaz didn't look wholly satisfied with the explanation but he didn't seem to want to argue it.

"Kaz Brekker showed up and asked for help? The same Kaz Brekker who once decided to get in a brawl with the entirety of the dregs? That one? It's a literal miracle. We should commission a painting of the occasion and host reenactments," giggled Nina, a grin on her face. Kaz arched an eyebrow and looked at her impassively, before turning away, seeming to deign that as unworthy of response. Kaz stood, drawing the gaze of the entire room, and limped towards the doorway.

"I'll leave you guys to it," he said, pausing in the doorway, "Inej, you and I can talk business later."

There was silence for a moment as they all listened to him make his slow way down the hall, and then Jesper spoke again.

"Inej thank god you are here we have no idea how to deal with that," he said quietly, as if Kaz could still be listening. Wylan nodded along emphatically. 

"Wait what? What do you mean?" Inej was startled by how suddenly scared Wylan and Jesper seemed. She didn't know how much they understood about Kaz, or how the sickness might be affecting his behavior, but his mood couldn't be that bad, could it?

"It's weird Inej. He's called me Jordie twice and hasn't taken his gloves off in three days." Said Jesper, looking thoroughly terrified. Inej tried to rationalize the behavior in her response.

"The glove thing is normal, isn't it?" She asked.

"He stopped wearing them as much right after you left. It had gotten to where he only really wore them out on jobs," said Jesper.

"Jes almost cried the first time Kaz patted his shoulder," interjected Wylan playfully.

"I did not!" Jesper responded, distracted.

"Right after Inej left, hmm?" Said Nina, eying Inej. Inej, for her part, tried to avoid getting her hopes up, and kept her face carefully blank. 

"Yeah, it's actually pretty impressive considering... Anyways! He has nightmares. Or hallucinations. Or something, and he gets kinda weird in the head sometimes. The medik said it was because of the fever, but it's just... really weird to see Kaz like this. He talks in his sleep and... stuff. We've been ignoring it and so has he," continued Jesper.

Inej could understand their discomfort. Kaz so carefully cultivated his image of cold heartlessness, that even to those closest to him it was hard to think of him as anything but indomitable and unchangeable as marble. This would be an uncomfortable few days for both sides of this, and it seemed that Kaz had already inadvertently given away more of himself than he meant to.


	2. Don't Punch the Medik

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jespers Perspective on Kaz showing up at the house while sick.

Jesper had not been exaggerating when he said Kaz scared them to bits when he'd first turned up. He'd walked into their study, startling Jesper and Wylan as they looked over some documents together. At first, it hadn't seemed unusual. Kaz rarely announced his comings and goings, and he was always welcome anywways. 

"What business, Kaz?" Jesper had called cheerfully. He reveled in being able to say that to Kaz as an equal and found any excuse he could to use it. Kaz started forward again, and in the two steps he took they could tell something was very wrong. He swayed as he walked, and his gloved grip on his cane was tight and stiff. 

"I need-" he paused, swaying forward, but when Jesper moved to steady him, noting the pallid look to his skin and the sheen of sweat, he had reeled back to avoid even that contact "- I need a favor, Jesper. Wylan." 

Jesper hovered uncertainly, hand raised to catch him if he fell but not touching Kaz, and Wylan rose from where he had been seated at the desk.

"I need to stay here for a couple days. I can't-" another pause, he swayed again and blinked repeatedly "- be seen around the Barrel like this."

"Of course Kaz. Um, should we call a medik?" Wylan asked. Kaz made a move almost like a flinch when Wylan spoke, as if he hadn't noticed him, but that couldn't be possible, because no one in Ketterdam could sneak up on Kaz. Actually, when Jesper thought about it, that was probably why he'd turned up here. Kaz shook his head emphatically. 

"No! No you can't call a medik. I can't- no Medik. Okay? I know what this is, it's not infectious or life threatening so you'll be..." he trailed off, his normally sharp gaze going unfocused before his eyes drifted shut and he pitched forward. Jesper moved quickly enough to catch him, and prevent him from crashing to the ground, but set him down rapidly at the pained groan he made. For a moment, Jesper and Wylan stood silently watching his unconscious body, unwilling to do something that might distress him more.

"Okay... you move him into a guest bedroom, and I'll call a medik," Wylan said at length, but neither of them moved for a moment, in a state of something akin to stunned awe. Finally, Jesper bent to scoop him up gingerly, touching no skin. He had several inches on Kaz, so it wasn't a particularly difficult endeavor, but having ones former terrifying boss as so much dead weight was just a touch unsettling.

"He's burning up!" Commented Jesper, even as he walked away. He could feel the slight shivering in response to the fever, that Kaz seemed to have worked so hard to disguise in consciousness. 

While Wylan sent a runner to the nearest hospital, Jesper tried to situate Kaz in a way that would at least be half comfortable, but this involved removing his shoes, and wrestling him out of his coat. He wasn't exactly sure what to make of this and frankly it terrified him. He and his dad had of course been sick before, and he'd heard the horrible stories of the plague, and seen the panic it caused, but when he'd been sick, it had been a cold, and maybe he'd have a stuffy nose or a headache, and been sneezing all over, but that was about it. Sickness like this, that completely stopped function and could take even Kaz out of commission was almost like a fairy tail.

As soon as Jesper had released him, Kaz's body began twitching and shifting restlessly in his sleep. He hovered a little, listening to the muffled gibberish that occasionally left his mouth, and felt a bit voyeuristic. It's to make sure he's okay, thought Jesper. Just in case he wakes up. He heard Kaz go still and quiet, and was padding towards the door softly, when he heard something else. 

"Jordie..." mumbled, but clear enough to make out that name again. When Jesper turned back, Kaz's eyes were open just a sliver, but he seemed to still be mostly asleep. He didn't know who that was, but Kaz didn't want him to know, and all this felt far too intrusive. As Jesper stole out the door finally, he heard something that might have been an objection.

Kaz, unfortunately, managed to come around right as the medik was examining him. He blinked vaguely, before flinching so violently the springs in the mattress squeaked and the medik reeled back. 

"Get away from me!" He barked, though it lost some of its power when his voice cracked in the middle. The medik certainly seemed keen on listening to that order, and hovered uncertainly behind Jesper, who rose to approach the bed.

"Welcome back to the world of the living," said Jesper, grinning in relief. 

"How long was I out?" Asked Kaz, struggling upright and looking faintly green, and as grumpy and sour as usual.

"About two hours," Jesper said easily, neglecting to mention his sleep-mumbling.

"If I may..." the meek medic edged forward, offering a thermometer as if worried Kaz would bite her hand off. Kaz snatched it away and stuck it in his mouth glumly.

"Um- for your health sir," the medic started, seeking to think it was safer to talk while Kaz's mouth was otherwise occupied, "I would recommend lots of sleep and rest. I've seen cases of this before, but you are one of the youngest. And you seem to have severely over-exerted yourself recently... perhaps I could suggest some lifestyle changes-"

"I like my lifestyle just how it is thank you," he said sharply, removing the thermometer and returning it to the medic.

"It's just that well... getting this so young indicates poor nutrition and a lack of adequate sleep. An increase-"

"This is why I told you I didn't want a medik. We know what's wrong now please get this idiot out of my face," he grumbled, pointedly not looking at the medik. 

"I'll um. Leave you with some sleeping draughts and a tonic for health," said the medic awkwardly, all but dumping the bottles on the bedside table before bustling out of the room.

"Did you have to scare her so badly Kaz?" Asked Wylan reproachfully, raising an eyebrow. Kaz returned his state unrepentantly, so Wylan just sighed and turned to leave.

"I'll tip her well. Let's just hope she hasn't run screaming out the house yet," he mumbled as he walked down the hall.

"We like that medik, it's the same one who stitched up Wylan after the incident with the Razorgulls," commented Jesper. 

"I'll reimburse the bill. Just remind me when this god-forsaken fever is gone and I can think straight," said Kaz, resting face a bit fiercer than usual as he rubbed the spot between his eyes. With his hat and coat gone, shirt collar undone and hair mussed, Kaz actually looked his own age. The stark black of his gloves was incongruous against the white of his shirt and pale blue of the bedsheets. After a moment of frowning and rubbing, he looked up.

"I'm going to take a bath, I've sweated through this shirt and I feel disgusting," he declared, a dismissal if Jesper had ever heard one. He laughed and stood to leave.

"You sure you don't need help?" He asked jokingly, even as he was on his way out. Kaz gave another of his deadpan stares.

"Where've you put my cane, I can think of a few uses at the moment," he said in response, tone mildly threatening. Jesper put up his hands in surrender and left, jaunty stride not affected in the slightest by any threats made by the resident Bastard of the Barrel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter so sorry. These two and their friendship and also Jespers mild crush are very important ok. Very important.


	3. Why in hell did you try and drug him?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the evening when Kaz arrived, told from Wylan's perspective plus some wesper fluffiness.

Wylan had seen some strange and terrifying things in his sixteen years alive. Most of these strange and terrifying things had in fact been in collaboration with, or as a direct result of Kaz Brekker. None of those things had prepared him in any way for this. It might seem dramatic to be thinking that about sitting at a dining table with Kaz, and indeed that was something he had done many times before, but never like this.

He chatted with Jesper as usual, and Kaz was silent as usual. Jesper was talking about some activities he had been up to at the exchange earlier, and the odd looks that he got for the vibrant clothes he refused to give up. For all this normalcy, Wylan couldn't seem to stop his eyes from straying to the anomaly in the room, that is Kaz. Kaz, who looked half asleep, and so very unlike himself. His eyelids fluttered every few seconds, as if he was keeping himself awake, and his unbuttoned collar, lack of tie, vest or coat, and most egregiously, the addition of too-big lime green trousers all served to make him look about three years younger than he was, and so unlike the ruthlessly sharp and put together Kaz that Wylan knew and was still mildly terrified of. His obvious exhaustion was making Wylan feel sleepy as well, and he sipped at his own tea to avoid yawning.

Kaz had barely eaten anything, and didn't seem to have any intention of eating any more. He also hadn't touched the tea that Wylan had put his sleep medicine in, which meant he'd been caught. Wylan winced, remembering when the maid set the tea down and then, unerringly, Kaz's cool glare had found his gaze and held it just a moment. Though it didn't look like he'd need the medicine to sleep at the moment. Jesper trailed off, finishing his story, and Wylan saw Kaz moving as if to leave. 

"Kaz, where're you going?" Asked Wylan, noting that he was pointed in the opposite direction from the bedroom.

"I need to get my clothes back on and head down to the Slat to take care of a few thing," he said, looking as dignified as it was possible to look while standing barefoot in borrowed, ill fitting, brightly colored clothing. It didn't work very well. 

"Kaz you passed out earlier today and you're literally swaying in place. I'll go down there and grab you some stuff, and hand off a message to Pib and Roetter," said Jesper, rising. Kaz's face set stubbornly, and Wylan sighed internally. 

"I'm fine now. I've made that trip in worse condition," he said, glaring heavily at Jesper, but neither of them were as cowed by Kaz as they used to be. 

"Kaz that doesn't make it better. I'm willing to bet that those two hours you spent passed out were the first sleep you've had in days," said Wylan sternly. 

"Just drink your drugged tea and go take a nap, for Ghezens sake."

"Actually I switched them. You're the one with the drugged tea now," he said, again turning towards the exit. Wylan looked at his mostly empty cup in dismay.

"Kaz you-" Wylan was interrupted by a yawn, as if being made aware of the drug made it more effective. He shrugged unrepentantly.

"You tried to drug me. Did you think I was just going to let it happen?"

"Kaz we all know you wouldn't have taken any of the medicine anyways. Why the hell would you drug Wylan? That's literally medicine! For you! To make you feel better!" Said Jesper incredulously. 

"I have stuff to do," Kaz seemed very nonchalant, considering how badly he was sweating again. He really didn't look well. 

"Listen, we'll send a runner to the slat, with a message you can write or something. Just take some medicine and go to bed," Wylan's eyes were feeling seriously heavy now. He yawned again. Normally, he knew Kaz wouldn't budge, but he did look like he might be convinced, and though he scowled heavily, he didn't object when Jesper herded him away from the doorway. 

"C'mon lets go. I'll get some more tea and medicine, and we're going to watch you drink it. If you try and avoid it, might just have to tie you to the bed until you sleep," Jesper joked, stopping by Wylan in order to take his hand. Whatever had been in his drink was really working fast.

"I knew you had a crush on Kaz but I didn't think you'd describe your fantasies right in front of your boyfriend," mumbled Wylan. Kaz looked amused at that, and huffed out half a breath that might have been a laugh. Jesper dragged them all into a sitting room, where Kaz drank tea unhappily, and Wylan dozed in Jesper's lap. Eventually, Kaz finished, cup clinking in its saucer as he set it down, and he limped slowly out of the room. They watched his exit, Wylan half concerned that he would face-plant on the way down the hall and that Jesper would have to carry him to bed again. The lack of a heavy thudding noise was reassuring though, and Wylan turned his attention where it had wanted to go, which was the big hand in his hair and the warm thigh under his cheek. They didn't mind having Kaz around, but the privacy to be intimate like this was welcome after the stress of the day. 

"Mm... you know if you keep doing that I'll fall asleep on you and you're going to have to carry me to bed," mumbled Wylan. He heard Jesper chuckle, and though he was too tired to look, he could picture the curve of his smile in his minds eye.

"I don't think I'd mind that at all. You're pretty light, anyways," responded Jesper, tone lightly teasing but still affectionate.

"At least I'm not some giant gangly idiot like you," Wylan cracked an eye, smiling, and watched Jesper's shoulders shake with his laugh.

"I can't believe you tried to drug him. Now you're both going to pass out when it's barely dark and leave me alone to my thoughts," he said, the cadence of laughter still in his voice.

"I'll need the sleep, something tells me Kaz isn't going to be any less difficult tomorrow. We should get about fourteen hours in preparation," Wylan said, doing his best imitation of seriousness that his tired mind could manage. Suddenly, Jesper swept him up, and ignored his surprised, sleep-drunk giggle.

"I shall take you to bed as you wish," he announced, walking to the door in long easy strides. He set Wylan down on the bed not roughly, but hard enough to bounce and set Wylan giggling again. Wylan tugged him down by the hands, and when Jesper bent down, Wylan kissed him, and with a sharp tug, signaled that he wanted Jesper on the bed too.

"You're so demanding there," commented Jesper playfully, wrapping gangly limbs around Wylan.

"Just stay here until I fall asleep you giant idiot," mumbled Wylan softly, already half dozing. He almost missed the quiet affirmative and kiss pressed to his forehead as he drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Wylan and Jesper are cute and I felt they deserved attention. We'll have Kaz and Inej next chapter, and it'll come fast so don't worry. Thanks for reading and please leave me a comment!!


	4. Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inej can't sleep during her first night back on land. Kaz can't sleep for different reasons, and they keep each other company for a bit.

After dinner, a couple hours of card games (that both Wylan and Jesper cheated at shamelessly), desert as mandated by Nina, and drinks, it was finally late enough that Inej and Wylan decided that their little group should turn in to bed. She sat in the plush warmth of her bed, but was unable to sleep. After spending months on end in a creaking ship, listening to the sounds of the wood, the slapping waves, and the calls of the night guards, it was too silent. In the Slat, at least she would have the sounds of the nightlife, but here on Geldstraat, it was empty, everyone gone to bed at a reasonable and respectful hour, so that they might be up early for industrious work. She sat up in the silence, unable to sleep despite her tiredness, and listened for the sounds around her. Nina shared her room with her, as they'd done on the boat, and her soft breathing filled the air. Beyond that, there was very little except... she heard a the familiar sound of a walking cane on the wood of the floor and then a muffled coughing fit in the next guest room over, and on impulse, she was on her feet.

As she snuck out the door, deliberately silent, she questioned her own eagerness, but dismissed it once she came upon the cracked open door. She opened it softly, gratified when it didn't creak, and saw Kaz standing, hunched over a basin of water, shirtless but shivering. She gave herself just a moment to stare at the planes of scarred skin over muscle before h e turned, though what brought her presence to his attention she'd never know.

"Couldn't sleep, Wraith?" He asked softly. She didn't know why he refused to use her name, and she wanted to hear it on his lips. She could tell though, his face was soft in a way she'd rarely seen, and he made no move to cover his bare skin. 

"No. It's too quiet compared to my boat. What's your excuse Kaz?" 

"I slept for around five hours. That's as much as I can get in generally," he responded. He swayed in place as he walked, and she remembered seeing 'vertigo and compromised reflexes' listed as symptoms. He sat, and so did she in chairs near the window, and Inej reached for his hand slowly, searching for some of the hard won intimacy from just before she had left, but to her disappointment, he moved his hand away.

"I'm sorry, I can't, right now. I- soon. I'll be able to touch you soon," his voice was rough with guilt, and a sadness that was so deep that it couldn't just be for this night. She nodded in understanding and returned her hands to her lap. 

"How was your trip? Did you accomplish what you hoped for?" He asked, turning attention away from himself.

"That and more, Kaz," she said, happy enough to talk about her own accomplishments, "I've tracked down and eliminated a couple slaving ships. Specht knows some routes commonly used for smugglers and we've been staking those out. I've... I've been saving people," the warm flush of happiness was tempered by what could have happened if she didn't get to them, and what happened to those she wasn't able to reach.

"I'm proud of you Inej," Kaz murmured, and after a moment of hesitation, he reached out one long-fingered hand and squeezed hers. Just for an instant, she let herself revel in the warmth, but the also felt the involuntary shiver that ran through Kaz's body.

"I've taken some of them into my crew. There's a couple of girls around my age, I'm teaching them how to fight." She finished her story and trailed off. 

"Honestly though, why did you wake up?" He huffed out a humorless laugh at her question, and broke eye contact. 

"Always with the hard questions, Wraith," he said, before pausing and returning his gaze to hers.

"Nightmares. This fever is screwing with my head and bringing up memories I don't want to remember," his admission was raw, and more honest than she had been expecting. He didn't offer any more details, and she wasn't expecting any. He'd already given her more than she expected. They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, before Kaz spoke again. 

"You still have your room at the Slat. I haven't rented it out," he said softly. Inej looked at him shocked. She'd expected the ever-pragmatic Kaz to have sold the space immediately, to house some new young and hungry thug he pulled into the Dregs. That sort of sentiment was all but unheard of, and she wondered what the dregs thought of that room, the Wraiths room, left empty by their leader. 

"Shore leave is for two weeks. When you're better I'll visit," she promised, "I'll feed the crows. They haven't starved since I've been gone, have they?" Kaz laughed softly, and the low sound made her cheeks warm in a way that she was glad that it was too dark to see. Had anyone but her heard him laugh like that?

"I feed them occasionally. Anika saw me do it once, and now almost everyone at the Slat feeds the crows. They're going to get too fat to fly, look what you've done," he said, a crooked little half smile on his face. He was cut off from beginning another sentence with a coughing fit that seemed never ending, shoulders jerking with each new convulsion. 

"That's new," he said, voice hoarser now, "earlier the coughing wasn't as bad as that."

"You probably need rest to recover. Jesper mentioned sleeping medicine right? You should take a dose," said Inej, suddenly feeling guilty about keeping Kaz from rest with her own sleeplessness.

"It's in the kitchen, Wylan's been putting it in my tea and I've been pretending to not notice," Kaz replied, but he made no move to stand and seemed perfectly content to sit and talk. Inej hesitated, before standing to fetch it. 

"Wait-" Kaz stood as if to follow her, but pitched forward suddenly, and caught himself on the arm of the chair at the last moment. Inej was at his side in an instant, but she didn't touch him. Under her watchful eye, he sat back down awkwardly.

"I'll bring it back in a moment. Try not to injure yourself alongside the plague," she said wryly, before leaving to the kitchen. She prepared tea for the both of them, but only put medicine in one. When she returned, Kaz looked half asleep already, eyelids drifting down, but he sat up as soon as she entered the room, and they sat sipping at too-hot tea for a moment.

Out of nowhere, Kaz suddenly said,"I think I called Jesper Jordie again."

Inej was silent, knowing that somehow that name was important to Kaz, in some way that he hadn't shared yet. She let the silence stretch for a moment, before asking, "why?"

"I should explain it to him," Kaz said in lieu of actually answering the question.

"I'll explain it to all of you. Soon."

His voice was slightly slurred, from the effects of the late hour, the sickness, and the medicine in the tea. Kaz rose slowly and carefully, leaning on his cane, and made his way to the bed.

"This medicine is going to make me pass out soon, Inej. You should try to sleep as well," murmured Kaz, as he sat perched on the edge of the bed. Inej nodded, and crept out the room, taking her teacup with her. She left that room two promises richer than when she had entered. 'Soon' he'd said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day, yay!! I decided I needed kanej so I wrote kanej. The symptoms of the fantasy shingles I have Kaz are basically coming from the time I had the flu, and yes the disorientation and dizziness really are that bad. I almost faceplanted so many times and I had the literal weirdest sleep schedule ever. Not fun. Anyways, thanks for reading, please leave me a comment if you liked it!


	5. Shore Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nina and Inej get breakfast together and then Inej goes about some of her duties as a ship captain.

Inej rose early in the morning, before Jesper, Wylan, Kaz, and not, to her surprise, before Nina.

"Your crazy boat schedule rubbed off on me. I woke up and I hate sitting around," was her excuse, as they walked down the misty early morning streets.

"You know I have things to do today. I'll have to organize restocking, and meet up with Specht and my other officers. And make sure my squaller is safe, she can be a bit naive..." Inej trailed off, mentally inventorying her busy day. Shore leave could be chaotic, especially considering the fact that they were essentially pirates, and probably already had a couple enemies in the city. 

"And all of that can get started when we've had waffles and it's a decent time to be up instead of this still-dark hell hour."

Inej sighed but agreed easily, and she did admit that entering the restaurant just as it opened, and being greeted by the warmth and smell of pastries baking was a lovely feeling. Nina sat down, and Inej watched in silence as she chatted and flirted easily with the server. He was a bit younger than them, and thoroughly bedazzled by Nina in all her confident radiance. Even bundled up against the morning chill with wind-mussed hair, she remained striking. They received coffee, and Inej drank hers, burning her tongue, but thankful nonetheless. Proper coffee was something she had come to miss in all her time at sea. She and Nina chatted easily, complained about the damp in Ketterdam and the smell of the factories. After their food came and went, they simply ordered another coffee and sat in easy silence.

"So," Inej's contemplation was interrupted by Nina leaning forward and grinning," what were you and Brekker up to in the middle of the night last night, hm?" A mischievous, catlike smile played about her lips. Inej sighed and turned away, cradling her drink close to her face as if to disguise her warm cheeks. It shouldn't have embarrassed her, they hadn't done anything but talked.

"I couldn't sleep, and neither could Kaz. That's all," she answered slowly, though Nina seemed completely unsatisfied.

"Oh don't give me that, you two haven't seen each other for months, and Specht has told your entire crew about your epic love affair that involves saving each other's lives and buying ships and tracking down long lost parents. Did you at least talk about your repressed little feelings?"

"We... talked. Wait what has Specht been telling the crew?" Inej asked, deciding silently that she would be having words with him later.

"Well he was with us throughout that entire mess after the ice castle, and you two aren't subtle."

"I'm always subtle." 

"Uh-huh. Okay, so you're telling me the fifteen letters you wrote to him while you were in Ravka didn't mean anything?"

"I only wrote four," mumbled Inej, to which Nina just raised her eyebrows and sipped her coffee, smirk fully visible. Inej did the same and pretended the heat in her cheeks was from the steam.

After breakfast, Inej separated from Nina in order to go about restocking the ship and making sure none of her crew members, particularly the young ones, got jumped in the Barrel. Nina had her own old friends to visit and loose ends to tie up. She found Anya, the young Zemeni squaller that she'd met on a slave ship in the waters around Noyvi Zem, and herded her towards the more reputable side of town. Inej also set about finding prospective buyers for some of the things they'd 'acquired' while at sea, and ordering resupplies of food for the voyage. Thankfully, most of her old contacts remained in the same place, and remembered her. 

She spent the day busy, and didn't stop at all while going through errands. Inej understood rationally that she had a couple weeks to relax, but luxurious idleness seemed foreign to her after months of hard, rewarding work. When evening came, Inej found herself with nothing left to accomplish, as the late hour meant that everyone respectable had gone to bed, and those who pretended to be respectable had headed to the gambling and pleasure houses. With a start, Inej realized that her wandering feet had taken her to the Crow club. Not entirely against her will though, as she knew that Specht was more than likely within. If he was he wouldn't want to be taken away from whatever game he had joined for long.

She squared her shoulders and walked quietly through the doors like she had so often before. It was largely unchanged, she saw. Dregs hung around and ran games, or played. People were laughing and drinking. She did notice some notable absences, and the average age seemed to have become younger. 

She realized that she had sank back into the shadows when she entered. Crept neatly back into her role as the Wraith. With that thought in mind, Inej stepped away from the wall, and into the room. She tapped Anika on the shoulder, the first of the people she recognized, and greeted her. Anika responded warmly, and soon enough, other Dregs were greeting her, smiling and patting her on the back and offering drinks. She caught sight of Specht besides Rotty, and when he met her eyes, he boomed across the parlor, "There she is! The conquering queen of the high seas! Our Wraith!"

Inej grinned at that, and allowed him to swing her into a one armed hug and drag her around, shouting about her accomplishments. He smelled of alcohol and was flush from a recent winning hand at the table, but still his pride in her warmed her. She had a glass thrust into her hands, and took a sip or two before depositing it on a table somewhere. Eventually, she ended up at a table with around ten people, some of whine she remembered as members of the Dregs, and others who must have been new recruits, sharing stories accompanied by Specht, who embellished everything to dramatic proportions with drunken glee. 

Eventually, things quieted and people drifted away and back to the games. Inej took the lull as a chance to talk a little business with Specht.

"I want you to go by the carpenter later, to see if they can shore up the support beams. I cashed in the haul from that ship we took in by Shu Han, so I'll give you the money for that tomorrow morning." 

"Sure thing Captain," Specht said, saluting lazily. "Where did you run off to so quickly yesterday huh? Rumor around here is that Brekker dragged you into some sort of job. I'm not so sure myself." 

They had developed an easy rapport in their time at sea, partially, she thought, because she never really could be bothered to make use of the sort of cold detachment that Kaz did. 

"I've seen him," Inej responded vaguely, though she could tell Specht saw through the deliberately nonchalant answer," how is your wife doing?" She asked, deflecting to a safer, less messy topic. 

"She gets more beautiful every time I see her," he grinned, "I headed straight out to her yesterday, I just came back actually. Stopped in to say hi to my old buddies," here he paused to thump Rotty, who was passed out drunk next to them, on the back.

"I'm glad. I think I'm going to turn in then, so goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow," said Inej. All the noise and activity had prevented her from realizing quite how tired she was, but in the lull it had finally hit her. 

"Where are you staying at?" Specht asked.

"Wylan's."

"I suppose those little rooms at the Slat don't really compare do they," chuckled Specht, to Inej's slight confusion.

"Kaz probably sold off my berth months ago, you know that."

"Oh no, not yours. According to this guy, he won't let anyone touch it," he said, grinning conspiratorially at her. 

"... Either way, I think I'll be going," said Inej after a pause, turning to exit, and she waved at the people who called farewells after her. 

She turned that new little tidbit over in her head as she returned to the Van Eck house, hopping over the roofs easily, but not quite so easily as she used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was kinda a filler chapter so. Idk sorry. The next chapter will have lots of feeling so yeah. Be ready. Thanks for reading and please leave a comment!


	6. Late nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaz and Inej have a late night conversation. Be warned it's kinda angsty.

Inej crept into a second story window and started towards the bedroom, before her rumbling stomach persuaded her to change course. She headed to the kitchens on the ground floor, and her ears told her that the chef and maids had long since left for the night. She hoped she might be able to raid the pantry for an apple and some bread before going to bed. 

Surprisingly, when she pushed the door open, her nose was filled by the smell of fresh coffee. She rounded the corner to see Kaz, sitting on a stool and drinking from a cup, half-empty pot beside him. He gave her a tired half smile in greeting. 

"Evening, Wraith. Or is it morning yet?" He asked, as if there was no reason he should not be having coffee in the dead of night.

"What are you doing down here Kaz? Didn't the medik say you're supposed to get plenty of rest?"

"I'm bored of resting," Kaz said nonchalantly, but the rings that still lingered around his eyes told a different story. Inej grabbed an apple from a conveniently located bowl, and dragged another stool to sit beside Kaz. She didn't miss the way he tracked her movements, and was careful not to sit too close. 

"You look dead on your feet," she said, a statement with an implied question. What was he doing up when he clearly felt terrible. He was silent for a heavy moment, before he spoke again.

"I can't sleep like this..." Kaz trailed off, the thought incomplete.

"Like this?" Inej prompted.

"It reminds me of the... the first time I had the plague. When I first came to Ketterdam," he said haltingly. Inej had the fleeting thought that Kaz might have never told this story to anyone. 

"You always said you were born in the Barrel."

"I lied." His response was harsh and immediate. Inej let the silence after that response stretch, as she watched Kaz try and compose himself, and watched as his hands clutched tighter around his mug, warding off a tremor that had started sometime in the last few minutes. 

"I came here when I was nine, with my brother," he began. The brother who was dead. Who Pekka Rollins had killed. Inej was silent as she looked at Kaz, as he shed his myth and his lies and his defenses for her. 

"We... we were stupid. Pekka pulled one over on us, gutted us for everything we were worth, so we were on the streets when the plague hit," his voice was soft and low, bereft of emotion, and Kaz stared into his cooling mug of coffee blankly, looking ghostly pale. 

"Kaz you were just kids-" Inej said, cutting herself off when Kaz continued.

"The plague killed Jordie. They thought I was dead too, so they dumped us in Reapers Barge. Feeling like-" he broke off, voice slightly choked, trembling more pronounced. Inej wordlessly took his mug from him, and he met her eyes for a split second.

"Feeling weak like this... sick and tired and dizzy... it's too much like that. I hate it. Every time I close my eyes it's like I'm back in Teapers Barge waiting to die. I promised myself I would never be that weak again," his gloved hands were clenched into fists in the absence of the mug. 

"I told you what I did right? I got back at every person responsible for what happened to us. All of them except Rollins." There it was. Kaz's cold persona. His need to protect the myth that he presented to everyone. She supposed she understood the sentiment, but found herself vexed at him trying to close himself now. Inej wanted to reach for his hands, even gloved as they were, and found her gaze drawn there. Kaz seemed to take it as a question. He flexed his hands demonstratively.

"This... this sickness... the fact that I can't touch people... I can't use that to make me stronger. It's a wound that's always open, always festering. It starts bleeding randomly and I just can't... stop it. I'll tell you why. You- you deserve to know." Kaz melted as quickly as he had frozen, speech again gentle and low, spoken just for her.

"When I was in Reapers Barge there were people. Corpses everywhere. I was next to Jordie- my brother as he rotted. When the fever broke, and I felt like I could move... I knew I couldn't swim it on my own so I used the body to float."

"Kaz-" Inej wanted to cut him off. She didn't want him to feel like he had to tell her every little thing his mind subjected him to, but now the dam had broken and he didn't seem to be able to stop.

"Hours. The only thing I could feel was the water and his skin. For the longest time all I could feel when I touched someone was that same cold skin. I'd touch someone and want to throw up and I'd see Jordie again, I'd be that child sitting in Reapers Barge weak and sick and waiting to die. But I was trying and now sometimes, sometimes it doesn't feel like death and cold and damp, sometimes now, it feels like you. Except not right now. Right now it all feels like back then. I wanted to-" he stopped, voice strangled. 

"Kaz. Kaz it's..." she trailed off, not sure what to say. 'It's okay' was an empty platitude at best, useless. 

"I'm sorry," Kaz murmured, and inej didn't know whether he was apologizing for telling her, or for not being able to touch her, or for any of the other things he'd done. A stray thought came to her, when she'd been stabbed and bleeding out. She'd said 'apologize' and passed out before she heard the response.

Kaz stood up suddenly, picked up the mug of long cold coffee and drank the rest in one go. He sighed and met her eyes lingeringly before he turned to walk towards the bedroom. Inej waited for him to be out of sight before she followed, watching as he limped away and thinking idly that, if nothing else, a couple days of rest and warmth had helped with his limp. 

Inej started towards the door as well, before finally remembering her original purpose, and glancing at the apple still held in her hand. She'd forgotten she had it, but now that she remembered it, her stomach refused to be ignored. She wandered into the pantry and pulled out a piece of bread, before stealing back to her bedroom with her haul. Her eyes here heavy but her mind was busy enough that she thought she might not be getting much sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. There it is folks. Sorry this chapter is a little shorter than the others, I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading! Please leave me a comment if you liked it, I'm nervous about this chapter. Also something seems to be up with my ao3? When I update chapters the updated date doesn't seem to change?


	7. Authors note: discontinuing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys I'm discontinuing this work and might delete it

So I kinda started this with no plan which was a bad idea and idk how to continue it, and I don't really like the way I wrote it. Anyways sorry guys, I'll probs write other stuff, but really I'm better at oneshots anyways. So yeah, if you enjoyed it sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> So basically Kaz has fantasy land shingles. Idk why I decided to write this, but I wanted to so here it is. I'm giving him flu-like symptoms and basing it off the time I got the flu, so he's not in for a super pleasant time. Please comment if you enjoy it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
